self doubt post

_drafts/2018-07-07-impostor.md → _posts/2018-09-03-impostor.md

@@ -24,9 +24,8 @@ If you are currently serving on a committee that is considering whether to offer
 me a new job, promotion, prize, or award, please can you stop reading now.
 Thank you.
 
-Now, as I said, my self-doubt comes out in a much simpler way.
+My self-doubt comes out like this.
 I am secretly convinced that I am not good enough.
-Not good enough for what? you ask. Anything, really.
 
 We have already discussed how the
 [Tournament of Research]({% post_url 2018-03-03-tournament-axe %})
@@ -37,24 +36,49 @@ I can see how quickly the field is moving, and how many new ideas
 are being introduced every few weeks, and secretly doubt
 whether I am good enough to keep up.
 
-I can see the pressing but fascinating problems that our research
-field is facing. I doubt whether I am clever enough to create new ideas
+I can see the pressing  problems that our research
+field is facing. I secretly doubt whether I am clever enough to create new ideas
 that are subtle enough to solve these tricky problems.
-
-These all amount to the same thing.
-I am secretly convinced that I am not good
+I doubt whether I am good
 enough to create the kind of work that I would like to create.
 
-Please understand that I will be all right. Please do not feel that you need to talk me up, tell me that
-I'm being too self-critical, that I am a fine researcher, and that
-you have always liked my papers.
-Actually I'll take the last part back: You're more than welcome to
-tell me how much you like my papers.
-Flattery will get you nowhere, but it will make me feel better.
-
-The reason that I will be all right is that none of these dark thoughts matter.
-I am inadequate, I am not good enough, but it does not matter.
-It does not matter because all the doubts, all those dark thoughts, are self centered claptrap,
+This [series of articles]({{ "stress%20in%20research" | tag_url | relative_url }}) has had
+three themes: one theoretical, one practical,
+and one psychological. The theoretical insight is that
+the research
+community is structured in a way to grow and foster
+your self-doubt, and it succeeds in almost all of us.
+Self-doubt is, therefore, not your fault.
+More practically, self-talk can be a good way to continue doing
+good work in the face of self doubt. The psychological
+theme has been on the role of ego in research:
+necessary, but always carrying the dangers of jealousy
+and doubt. Combining the final two themes,
+the last advice I will give about
+self-doubt is about using self-talk to manage your ego.
+
+A lot of advice suggests fighting self-doubt
+with positive self-talk: "I really am good enough! I belong here!"  Try this and see if it helps you. Different
+strategies will work for different people. For me,
+positive self-talk does not seem to help; it is too hard
+for me for disregard the objective evidence that
+there really are people out there who are better than me.
+
+So instead of reaffirming my ego, I use self-talk
+to deny my ego. I push my thoughts away from myself,
+and towards the tasks in front of me, which
+are easy to get excited about, and then the fear goes away.
+Imagine an actor, petrified with fear while
+waiting to go on, who once onstage and forced to perform,
+slips into the role without effort or doubt.
+I try to feel like that when I sit down to my laptop.
+Said another way: People report the fear that they *are*
+an impostor. But it does not matter what you *are*,
+it matters what you *do*.
+
+Because, in the end, none of the dark thoughts matter.
+I am inadequate, I am not good enough, and it does not matter.
+It does not matter because all the doubts, all the dark thoughts, are self centered claptrap,
 exercises in destructive solipsism.  The doubts are all about me,
 but when it comes to work, how I feel is unimportant.
 
@@ -63,8 +87,8 @@ but when it comes to work, how I feel is unimportant.
 As long as I love the work
 that I do, and people are willing to pay me to do it,
 
-As long as I can keep learning things about my work,
-as long as I learn from my students, colleagues, and collaborators,
+As long as I continue to learn through my work,
+to learn from my students, colleagues, and collaborators,
 at the same time that they seem to be learning from me,
 
 As long as I can see new directions for my work,
@@ -84,8 +108,7 @@ something, even if indirectly and in a small way.
 I have had the privilege to participate in the worldwide, centuries-long conversation
 of the community of scholars. And this larger conversation
 has made a difference, I am sure, even if my own part has been small.
-I have trained people who have gone on to good careers.
-I have been part of the life of the university, preserving, growing, and sharing
+I have been part of the life of the research community, preserving, growing, and sharing
 knowledge. That is
  enough to make my professional life worthwhile, even after all the papers that I've written have faded into obscurity.